Tuesday, 28 November 2017

Of random ranting and more…

Of late I’ve been battling with a lot of issues and anxiety that is going inside me. Earlier I blamed it on the time that I’m going through but as the time is passing, I’ve started to realize it is not the time that is to be blamed but me.

It is me because of which I’m unable to deal with things around me.

Since childhood, I’ve hardly been an angry person. I generally don’t take things too seriously and let go of a lot of things. Not because I want to, but because they don’t affect me that much and hence no anger. Yes, there were times when there have been blasts and now when I think of them, here are a few questions and answers that I come to.

Do I use to get angry? No.

Why? Because I used to speak most of the stuff that I felt. Whatever I had in my heart, it was out from my mouth to my friends and that is why all the friendships I’ve had were unstained. Because nothing is inside and everything is outside… crystal clear.

Sure, there were issues with my parents while growing up and that was because I wasn’t vocal about how I felt and hence the ability to not speak my heart out and keeping things inside me led to a lot of frustrations which I couldn’t address and hence the turmoil times.

I’ve always been a chirpy person and I can’t keep quiet for long. Even if I’ve been upset something, that phase didn’t last much because I always speak out to people around me and clear things up and I get back to being me.

But today, as I look back, a lot has changed. I have changed. I am not the same ‘geet’ anymore. I barely speak. I hardly crack jokes. I don’t like sharing too much. The spark that I had seems to fade away. The willingness to know things isn’t there. That care and concern for people around me don't bother me now. And to top it all up, I am more frustrated than ever! Because obviously, I don’t speak much, I don’t bring out my mind out!

Why you wonder? Because, one, I’m not working. And not working means not moving out of the house much and hence no change in the daily routine, no meeting of new people. 
Two, there isn’t anyone around with who I can share my woes and tell them how I feel from inside. Three, because of the self-esteem issues, anything that goes against what I think makes me even more vulnerable. It brings tears to my eyes and the frustration that builds up is at its peak because of the inability to bring out what I have inside, in turn making me more bitter, aggressive and a bit depressed at the same time.

Not speaking up piles a lot of things making it work like a venom on my tongue where without making any rational point, I simply blurt out the thing that pricks me the most.

Also, earlier, if not speaking, I used to write it all out but this time even that is not happening. I don’t feel like. Doing. Anything.

I’ve signed up for a project next month and I am not enthusiastic about it at all. I’m wondering how I will be able to meet up the deadlines and the expectations and hoo-haa that comes with it. I didn’t even feel like signing up for the other things that are in store for next month.

I am not liking the kind of person I am becoming day by day. And I think of the worst repercussions possible!

And what’s even more pathetic is I don’t seem to care. I just want to let it go. Give up. On everything. And run away. From everything. Where there is no one. Not a single soul I know. No contact whatsoever. And I am not in a position to do this. Of course, it’s neither the solution nor this is going to happen! Which makes me even sadder!

P.S: I’ve opened the Word on my laptop zillion time to come up with some creative writing… only to end up ranting about whatever is going on.

P.P.S: This hopefully might clear a bit of the air and I might come up with something better to write.

How has the past few months treated you? Share with me… who knows what may trigger and I might get some inspiration!


4 Discussion

  1. I hear you Geetika. You have pointed out that you are feeling angry and depressed because of not working. I understand it is difficult to feel upbeat in such a phase but you must give yourself the push to work upon the assignment coming up next month. It will take you out of the house and give you a chance to interact with people. I hope writing about your pain lifts some of the bitterness.

  2. That feeling's been around for a while for me too, to let it go, just give it all up and run away. That is obviously not practical, so I pen down my frustration and clear my mind, and then decide what to do next to grow out of it. I'm still working on it. But meanwhile, life just goes on.

  3. Hey Geetika...I hear you, girl! That was me for so many years, after I too quit my job to take care of my MIL and my pet dog. I can still remember those years - 12 years to be precise. I would be cooped up in my house 24x7, had no friends I could talk to, the extreme stress of caring for my schizophrenic mom-in-law and no one with whom I could share my stress, fears and all. I am glad I survived those years. Although, how I survived I really don't know.
    Geet, I think, if you don't have any such situation as I did at home and if you can, then you must step out of your home, find a couple of friends you were close to and share your feelings with them. Or, maybe you could write it all down, or take a correspondence course or learn something new that could distract your mind from the stressful situation.
    Life can be real tough at times and we lose all hope of ever seeing something positive happening. But, you have to fight. I know how you must feel - depressed and unenthusiastic - about the new project at work. But, you need to work on it.
    Write it all down if you feel it will help you vent out your frustration. Please don't keep it all pent up, that's worse. Talk to someone you trust and maybe you could look at the whole scenario from a different perspective.
    Hugs to you, my dear.
    I really hope this phase passes by soon.

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